Author’s note: You are about to read the most mindless, meaningless piece of drivel ever posted on this prestigious website. In fact, I’ll be shocked and amazed if it makes it past the General Store’s prestigious Board of Review. As a means of explanation, please accept this admission . . . it’s 2:30 in the morning, I came out of surgery a few hours ago, and I’m under the influence of an overabundance of
percosets cheese doodles. You have been warned.
Isn’t it about time? I mean really? Admit it, as soon as you read that headline you were intrigued. Seriously, once this idea popped into my melon I knew I had a winner. It’s a blog that’s sure to illicit opinion, debate, even outrage. I can hear the General Store readers now:
“What? No Daffy Duck? What the hell is Shoemaker thinking? Nobody can take a hit like that guy!”
Or just maybe more likely:
“Why the hell am I reading this crap?”
Anyway, I really had only one rule when putting this masterpiece together, and that rule was this – no superheroes. It would have been way too easy to put Superman at quarterback, Flash at running back, stick the Incredible Hulk at middle linebacker and call it a day. But n-o-o-o-o, not this writer. I wasted half an evening thinking this baby through.
And so, without further ado, I give you my All-Time Cartoon Football Team. Feel free to offer up your opinions in the comments section. As always, I’ll ignore them completely.
Quarterback: Bugs Bunny
Duh. How can you argue with Bugs Bunny running this team? He’s crafty, imaginative, sneaky, and always comes through in the clutch. Plus, after eating all those carrots his field vision has to be off the charts. Sure, he’s a bit on the thin side and doesn’t exactly have a bazooka for an arm, but neither does Drew Brees. Bonus: Once did a movie with Michael Jordan.
Tailback: Sonic the Hedgehog
Now we’re talkin’. This little swine can flat-out fly. He’ll zig when expected to zag, turn on a dime, and has a mean streak to boot. I mean, look at this picture. That’s a game face, my friends. Negatives: Well, he’s a hedgehog.
Fullback: Tazmanian Devil
Are you kidding me? Is there anyone else to even consider? How in the world can anyone expect to bring this guy down? He’s a whirling dervish of unstoppable madness. Need a yard? Taz will get you an acre. Downside: He scored a -7 on the Wonderlic Test.
Wide Receiver: Speedy Gonzalez
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Too small. Well, forget it, because this mouse can flat-out go. Sure, he has small hands, but he’s impossible to overthrow and has a can-do attitude. Reportedly has never been caught from behind, unlike some of Penn State’s recruits. Yes, I went there. Downside: Insists on wearing a giant yellow sombrero the size of Oprah Winfrey’s skull, which tends to slow him down.
Wide Receiver: Inspector Gadget
Eight words my friends – telescopic arms that come out of his hat. Thank you and goodnight.
Tight End: Bullwinkle
Like Taz, not the brightest moose on the block but when he crosses the middle nobody, and I mean nobody wants to take him on. Who wants a mouthful of those antlers? Negative: Goes nowhere without Rocky the Flying Squirrel and his nuts.
Offensive Tackle: Magilla Gorilla
Holy Smokes, ya think this guy can clear a hole for Taz or Speedy? You know it dawg. Two negatives here though. He smells like rotten bananas, and his second cousin ripped a lady’s face off a couple of years ago.
Offensive Tackle: Fat Albert
Simply put, the originator of the Pancake Block. While eating pancakes. Downside: Lacks stamina and sounds oddly like Dr. Huxtable.
Center: Fred Flintstone
Fred may be the greatest cartoon character athlete that ever lived. Seriously, have you ever seen him bowl? There have been seminars given on that one-of-a-kind tippy-toe style release. Classic. And those big hands, made strong from working in the Slate Rock & Gravel Company, can grip the ball like a vise. Weakness? He’s sort of whipped at home if you know what I’m sayin’. Gets locked out of the house a lot.
Guard: Barney Rubble
The chemistry between he and Fred is a given, plus Barn has a low center of gravity you can’t coach. Negative: He’s 3-feet tall.
Guard: Porky Pig
Alright, I admit he’s a little soft, and I’ve heard he may lack some sizzle. Still, I’m betting when the going gets hot he’ll bring home the bacon. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull a hammy. God, I hate myself right now.
Kicker: Quick Draw McGraw
For you youngin’s who aren’t familiar, Quick Draw McGraw is a horse. A horse that stands upright. A horse with a very strong leg. Yes, his style could be described as unorthodox (OK, he kicks backwards) but if he’s lined up correctly he’s money. Rumored to be close friends with noted football mind Huckleberry Hound. Downside? Let’s just say the trainer needs to keep a shovel handy.
Holder: Lucy Van Pelt.
Lucy, that jerking-the-ball-away-at-the-last-second trick may work on poor Charlie Brown, but it may be a mistake trying it with old Q-Draw. He can take down a barn door for God’s sake. Careful young lady. Careful.
Return Man: The Road Runner. ‘Nuff said.
Supply this sailor man with enough spinach and it’s curtains for anybody trying to cross over the middle. As Pop says, “I yam what I yam.” And what he is is one bad mofo. In addition, he can expect a big endorsement deal from the folks over at Bird’s Eye. Downside: His forearms are the size of pick-up sticks.
Linebacker: Optimus Prime
Holy smokes. This half-man half-machine will be a whole-man wrecking machine for the D on this squad. He’s a little slow, but that’s overshadowed by his sheer size and strength. Negatives? When it rains he’s been known to short out.
Linebacker: George of the Jungle
Sure, he’s a little out of control, and he’s not the sharpest stick in the rainforest. Still, his power and agility make him perfect for the 3-4 defense. The fact that he can’t count to 3, much less 4, is irrelevant.
Linebacker: Hong Kong Phooey
The Phooey theme songs says it all my friends: “Hong Kong Phooey, he’s the #1 Super Guy, Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.” And let’s just say that when Phooey brings out his patented “Phooey Chop” the fat lady starts singin’.
Defensive Tackle: Jolly Green Giant
Well, here’s a no-brainer if there ever was one. Talk about a fierce pass rusher. Think this guy could get a hand up in the passing lane? What is he, like 20-feet tall? Plus he’s, uh, green. That alone will throw a guy’s timing off. Negative: He reeks of peas.
Defensive Tackle: Foghorn Leghorn
Lemme tell ya, this rooster is one hard drivin’ cock. Big on the party circuit, this D-Lineman knows only one direction – straight ahead. Cock-a-doodle-indeed. I swear I don’t even know what that means.
Defensive Tackle: Skeletor
How would you like to line up across from this dude? He has kind of a bad attitude, but you might too if you were a 7-foot hooded bluish humanoid with a yellowish bare-bone skull, had no eyes and sported a head that floated magically over your shoulders with no visible connecting tissue. Downside: Difficult to coach, hard to find people to line up across from him in practice. Upside: Once made Brett Favre shit his pants.
Defensive Back: Woody Woodpecker
Are you serious? Talk about pesky. This hammerhead can make life absolutely miserable for any diva receiver he’s asked to cover. Plus, the ladies love him. Something about that name. Negative: Suffered severe head trauma when metal goalposts were invented. Nobody told him the wooden ones had been replaced.
Defensive Back: Atom Ant
What can I tell you? He can lift 250 times his own weight, has superspeed, and can fly. And oh, by the way, he hits like Lawrence Taylor on a coke binge. Downside: Is prone to leaving games abruptly to raid picnics.
Defensive Back: Mighty Mouse
Again, he’s undersized but packs a nasty wallop. His signature move is a vicious uppercut that brings an opponent to his knees. Negatives: He’s known to carry a variety of life-threatening diseases.
Defensive Back: Yosemite Sam
Man, I’d like to see Plaxico Burress pull his piece on this gun totin’ sumbitch. Sure, he’s a short-tempered outlaw, and Lord knows you can’t let him around Bugs Bunny, but this surly little DB will stick to an opposing wideout like stink on a train hoppin’ hobo.
Head Coach: Wile E. Coyote
Upside: This guy has designed more schemes than Belichick and Lombardi combined. Downside: None of them ever worked.
Managers: Eric Cartman, Bart Simpson and Stewie from Family Guy. Those three should keep things interesting.
So there ya have it. Irrefutable proof that I have no life. Discuss.