Yesterday afternoon I was reading the latest blog by one of my favorite political commentators, Eileen Smith, and she mentioned the schedule of events for CPAC2012, going on in Washington, DC. CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) is the annual gathering of the most paranoid of America’s conservatives. If you take a cursory scroll down their list of events you’ll soon see why I chose paranoia as a label to describe them. Here’s a sampling:

• “Restoring First Principles: The Economy, Healthcare, and the Right to Bear Arms.” Wasn’t it conservatives who dicked up the economy? Did we have an affordable health care system before Obama came to office? And, how many times does the SCOTUS have to rule that we DO have the right to bear arms?
• “Conservatives against entrenched incumbents.” When did we ever NOT have entrenched incumbents, both liberal and conservative, in American politics?
• “The return of big labor.” Yeah, we gotta’ all fear big labor, especially since union membership is at a post WWII low and Indiana just opted for a right to work law.
• “The liberal media’s attack on Christianity.” Why is it that when the New York Times discusses a Muslim Mosque in Queens sponsoring a soft-ball league it’s attacking Christianity. Look, Christians are being murdered in many places in the world, just as Muslims and Jews are. But, the guys with the guns are not liberal reporters.
• “From Fidel to Chavez: How do we stop the resurgence of socialism in Latin America?” Look, Fidel has been in Latin America since the late 1950s so you can’t consider his Cuba as being a resurgent anything. That leaves Chavez and some other dude in SA who is labeled socialist because he kept a bunch of rich corporations from ripping off the indigenous population. So much for resurgence.
• “The failure of multiculturalism: How the pursuit of diversity is weakening the American Identity.” Come on, America has been a multicultural nation since day one and since day one it has been our diversity that has made us what we are. We are the best that all others have to offer. We are the melting pot in which our uniqueness is created.

While there are many more subjects my personal favorite has to be, “Conservative dating.” Check out this description:

Learn everything from how to avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation, to whether Tea Partiers and Occupiers can share something more than a dislike for bailouts.

Speaker Name: Professional Dating Coach Wayne Elise

Open to Conservative Singles

I just can’t help but smile when I try to imagine the variety of social misfits who’ll be attending this workshop. It does, however, remind me that I recently read that Republicans, while having less sex than Democrats, do have more orgasms.  The Match.com survey also states that Republicans prefer life partners who shared ethnicity, religion, values, and politics. To me that is exactly what paranoia is all about; you just can’t be too at ease with anything different. But then again, they are having better orgasms. Where does a guy go to get a quart of paranoia?